Tag: writing

Building a home

“It smells so good, like home.” My daughters words after eating dinner and going outside with a friend and coming back in. What music to a mothers ears!

We have lived in our house for 13 years. To a kid, that’s a lifetime. Our family’s needs have evolved over the years and it’s time for our next chapter.

It seemed pretty standard, going through the motions of decluttering, organizing, packing and moving totes. What was missing was the emotion of leaving a place that has been our refuge and safe place for the majority of our kids lives.

Some people move frequently and perhaps they don’t have such an attachment. This one feels different because we don’t move a lot. I remember moving when I was 14 and my brother was 7. He cried for what seemed like days. I didn’t cry one time, I was so excited to be in my new house.

I have not moved often, even before kids. I grew up until age 7 in my childhood home, was homeless for a summer, lived on a rental farm, lived with my dad’s best friend for 2 years then to a tiny rental for 6-7 years before my dad built a house and we moved into that. I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) when I was 18. We moved to a 4 plex, to a rental house, to our first house we purchased and now this house. Wow, I thought it was less than 4 but it’s been 4 so far in my adult life and getting ready for my 5th.

I do remember crying when we moved out of the house our kids were born in. Now we are moving out of the house they have grown up in. Next will likely be their final house before moving out on their own. I’ve always been the sap and not thinking about the good that is yet to come, but all the memories we are leaving behind.

It didn’t hit me until my husband and I were tearing down the trampoline and he said he was feeling emotional, but guys don’t cry. Apparently I internalized it because I started pulling weeds around a bush that my son got me for mother’s day. He bought it and dug the hole and planted it all by himself. Suddenly, I was bawling.

We poured our blood sweat and tears into our house and now we were going to be entrusting a stranger to do the same. That’s just how life works! The best feeling was having so many of the kids friends over. I’ve lost count at how many said they love how home-y it felt. Many of them said they don’t sit at the kitchen table with their family and eat dinner. They looked uncomfortable at first but settled in quickly to our groove. I hope my kids internalize that and open their house to their friends and family in the future.

I told my daughter not to worry, we will make the next house a home. Just like we did this one. Afterall, home is not where your house is, it is wherever you and your loved ones are.

No one ever talks about the stress of building a home. I didn’t realize it until it was entirely too late and the project was half done. Lucky for my husband and I, we’ve owned and operated a boat for many years – another stressful endeavor. I told the kids if we can go boating together and stay together and we can build a house and stay together that there is nothing that can separate us. The further we got into the project the more I kept hearing about couples splitting up over building a house. I tried to find statistics online and one said 17% of divorces are because of a home renovation project! Our own appraiser asked if we were still married. If I would have known that beforehand, I would have thought twice about it!

As adults, we can handle stress, but I hate seeing the kids see us stressed out. Although, they have seen us go through stressful situations and I feel like when they see us succeed, it gives them more stability knowing that stressful things happen and if you stick together you can get through it. We’ve been talking about coping mechanisms. A lot of it were things like: it’s a team effort not you against them, chose your battles, try and compromise, give space, move your body, cry, do what you have to do deal with it allows you to move on and then regroup with each other when you are feeling better. If you try and make your homelife seem perfect for kids, they won’t know what to do when they are on their own and things are not going their way.

One day we will look back and laugh, but as of right now, we are hanging on for dear life!

The youngest you will ever be

It’s so cliche. Today is the youngest you will ever be again. Each day you are changing and transforming at a cellular level. Most cells in the body die and are replaced many times over your life. You literally are not the same person you once were. That gives you permission to change your mind and grow into the next version of yourself, especially when it’s for the better!

Some of these self identifying things are character traits and they don’t change with cells but rather with your journey. My late father-in-law drank excessively his whole life and wouldn’t stop even for his wife. Until she left, suddenly he stopped and never drank another drop again. The damage was done, it was too late. But lucky enough, it was a gift to himself. He was able to enjoy the second half of his life a different way. Through clear eyes.

My parents have their own issues, we all do. The most ironic one was probably that they both my mom and dad smoked cigarettes. As a child growing up in the 80’s and 90’s the smoking economic rules were pretty relaxed, you could smoke in planes, in cars with the windows rolled up, smoke in your house, smoke in bars and restaurants. I hated my parents for it and always complained. I’ll never forget coming home from a sleepover at a friends house whose parents did not smoke. When I got home I was in my closet and happened to get a whiff of my clothes hanging and they smelled like they were cleaned with an ashtray. I hid their cigarettes, I bought them ashtrays with fans to suck up the smoke. I was relentless. Guess who ended up smoking? Me. It makes no sense besides the addiction part. It’s tough. So glad they quit and so did I but it just goes to show you the power of addiction.

Some people are not that lucky, they are still in the depths of addiction. They too are still on their journey. They are still as young as they will ever be. They have time to change, but it has to be for themself. Some people don’t realize that they are addicted and they think it is a part of who they are. It isn’t until they get fed up with themselves that they realize they have the power to change. Albeit hard, it is possible.

Many things we see and judge are more about perception. Your perception changes with time but each time you think it’s the truth. Exibit 1: color block blazers, mullets, tight rolled jeans and life.

I saw a photo of a friend and her mom on a trip. The mom was probably between her 60-80’s and she was living her best life with her color block blazer on. It looked like she came straight out of a old TV show called In Living Color. The thing was she looked so confident, happy, calm and collective. I felt gob smacked. All this time I am so quick to notice when someone has an outdated style. I’ve known for a while that people like this usually try and freeze time from the best part of their life. While most people look at someone with a super old car, a mullet, a color block blazer or any other “old time” thing and judge them for being out dated. What if, we were conditioned by corporate America to think this way? We always have to buy the latest trend and when it’s over we have to discard it. What if the people that decide they like something and stick with it are the actual smart ones?! I’d say based on corporate America, big pharma and politicians getting caught trying to make us think one thing when another is true

I remember bringing my daughter to school in a snow storm. We only lived 3 blocks from school so many kids were still walking. The house closest to the school did not shovel the sidewalk in time and kids were forced to walk through the snow whether they had on snow boots or not. There was a man outside that house who had just began shoveling and I judged him so hard. What a piece of crap. Letting all these kids get their shoes and socks wet before their school day even gets started. What kind of a low-life person does that?! On my way home I came back the same way and realized this loser was actually a good Samaritan and the house wasn’t even his. He had realized what was going on and took it upon himself to try and help the kids as much as he could with the time he had. Now who’s the loser? Me. For being so closed-minded to the situation and not thinking the possibilities that it could have been. I just saw what I saw and made my own narrative. Has this happened to you before? I could probably think of 100 scenarios like this.

The point? Just know that no matter where you are on your journey, make sure to take a inventory of where you are and where you want to be. As for today, just worry about being the most authentic version of yourself you can be and know that you are changing inside and your character can change in an instant. It can change because you are paying attention and following the subtle cues life is giving you, or it can change abruptly because you are not.

Matthew 6:24